Top 10 Beers
The staff of Kleenex and Lotion took to this assignment with gusto. We were asked to create a list of the top 10 beers to brag about some ass over. Because, y'know, that's pretty much where this whole thing started anyway.
We sampled beer from around the world, at expositions, tastings, restaurants, singles from specialty beer distributors, and in our favorite and not so favorite bars.
In addition to taste, appearance, effect, legs, aroma etc...We took into consideration how people drink beer. Can this beer be enjoyed the same at the crack of the top to the last drop? How close can the beer get to room temperature without tasting like a whore's ass after Mardi Gras?
These were all important questions!
So we took the whole beer drinking experience into account when we tasted and ranked. Here is the fruit of our "labor."
It's very hoppy.
 10. Oberon Bell’s Brewery
This surprise from the Midwest starts our list of the Top 10 Beers that we think you should be drinking. It's a mild wheat beer, with a floral and fruit finish that is garnished with an orange...but not at the brewery. At Bell's, they won't serve it with a slice. (But it's quite alright if you do, in fact we prefer a little slice of orange).
It's amber color and healthy head invite you to take a sip. Not as wimpy as some wheat beers out there, this one does have some heft to it. Because it's still a relatively obscure beer, and the fact that they now sell it in mini-kegs (making for supreme drinkability during the summer), and because the shit just tastes fucking great makes this the #10 entry on the list of top 10 beers.
 9. 312 Goose Island
It's another wheat beer, but damn this beer is smooth and has some unique characteristics. From the brewer's own site, they say that "312’s spicy aroma of Cascade hops is followed by a crisp, fruity ale flavor delivered in a smooth, creamy body."
We have to agree. When it's cold, it's an excellent beer. It's smooth, has greater legs than the blonde that usually serves it (and they are nice), and it's not over powering like some craft beers.
Wheats and whites are popular now, and we couldn't be happier. This gem is a great wheat beer. It beat out Oberon on taste alone.
Chicago is one of our favorite places, so it makes sense that we picked 312 as the #9 slot.
 8. Grassroots Ale Great Lakes Brewing Company
Chamomile? Are you shitting me?
When we first saw this listed as an ingredient, we were sure this was a beer for pussies. What's next, aloe? My God!
But, we had to give it a shot and I gotta tell ya, paint my toenails pink because this beer is...dare I say magical?
It's definitely a beer...not a "malted beverage." The lady pouring it repeatedly into my glass was saying "a lot of people are surprised by this beer," and we were some of them. It's not only heartier than you'd think, but it's light too.
This concoction of diametrically opposed forces finds itself at peace in this ale. It's a light colored seasonal ale that is only available from April through July. So if you really want an experience worthy of being included at #8, we highly recommend you buy enough for everyone.
 7. Kerberos Tripel Flying Dog Brewery
A Pilsner made the list. We weren't happy about trying it either, but hot damn this is a kinky little bitch. It's aromatic at first pop, so you don't really know what you are getting into. Kind of like the foreign looking chic in the leather skirt at the bar. You know it's going to be interesting, and you don't know if you will wake up with something missing.
But it's interesting non-the-less.
This is Kerberos Tripel from Flying Dog. It starts sweet, then gets a little dry. You need more lube, so you grab more Tripel. Soon, you're climaxing at a bitter hoppy finish.
And the bottle is conditioned to create authentic Tripel character...very hoppy...
Sweet. The goddess has a sex swing. I'll see you in a week...
 6. Duvel Duvel Moortgat Brewery
1871. That's when this brewery started. Yum. Now we're getting into brews with traditions. The original microbrews. What beer's supposed to be.
And one with a story has to count for something. Named originally "Victory Ale" in commemoration of the Allies' victory in WWI; the name was changed to "Duvel" supposedly after some patron called it "A real devil."
Since it does sport a 8.5 proof he's not kiddin'. Duvel does pack a wallop!
It's a Belgian strong golden-style ale, has a bite to it and is served in its own little glass. Belgians do like their beer glasses...
It's so smooth it feels like an oil on your pallette. Compliments any type of food; pretentious enough for filet and Joe-Six-Pack enough for a cheeseburger. A solid #6.
 5. Cherry Wheat Sam Adams
This is the only American brewery of any size to make the list. It's not like we don't like the Buds and the Millers of the world...hell...they are just like the booty call girls...always reliable. But given the choice, we'd rather have the Hollywood starlet than the girl next door.
So that's basically saying that Cherry Wheat is the girl next door all grown up and posing in Playboy.
Nice cherry.
It's exotic like something you've never had, although the familiarity of it is unsettling...but in a good way. It's intriguing in its complexity and darker than the princess you'd think it is. And the hint of cherry all the way down is just mouthwatering...
I'm talking about the beer. Concentrate.
She'll draw you in with her sweet accent, and leave you on the floor after you've had enough of her. Spent.
That's how we feel after nights drinking Cherry Wheat!
OKAY, SO We're going to highly recommend a cherry in the glass. Once you get to the end of one of these, that shot of cherry and sugar is nice to share with a girl on a date or a night out.
It will be the easiest threesome you'll ever talk yourself into.
 4. Chocolate Stout Rogue Brewery
We know what mental image you all have. Shame on you! This beer is a seriously dark beer...and alone would probably scare most of you off but with food...
...especially beef/wild game...and chocolate...
It's both rugged and decadent. Like a lumberjack puttin' the axe to a pop diva.
The chocolate notes are very evident, but it's not like eating baking cocoa. This has some serious stout...so the accent doesn't over power the original intent. The lumberjack is on top, mind you.
It's the only dark beer to make our top 10. We have nothing against the darker beers, its just that there hasn't been another beer that has interested us enough to make it. Except this smooth, bitter, dark mother f--
SHUT YO MOUTH
I'm only talking about Chocolate Stout.
WE CAN DIG IT.
 3. Celis White Michigan Brewing Company
This beer is transformative. It's one of the better whites you'll ever have...save for the next entry on the list. It's a mircobrew out of nowhere, and the cloudy white spicy beer is something you simply have to try.
The original recipe is from Belguim in 1453, and is 50% raw winter wheat and 50% 2-row malt with EKG and Williamette hops. With a bit of orange peel and coriander, the pop to this white is something else. It's been a staple of ours for the past few years.
We've introduced a ton of people to this beer, and they all take an immediate look at the label. It's good enough that they want to remember it, and you will to.
Whites are white hot right now, and Celis is an old-world beer in the new world. It definitely deserves its place as #3 on our list.
 2. Hoegaarden Hoegaarden Brewery
Surprise, surprise! The OTHER creation of Peter Celis slides up to the #2 spot. This is the quintesential white. It's like you just landed some priviledged icelandic princess, the first taste leaves you breathless.
Has to be served cold, but it does hold up well in heat and is a great summer beer. It has the right mix of the hops, the spices, and the wheat. It's so cloudy the beer has its own atmosphere.
And it really is out of this world!
Try it with some food sometime, then you can see the true potential of this bad boy. The Belgians can do chocolate and beer...very well.
 1. Kristall Weissbier Weihenstaphaner
This is the world's oldest brewery, and it was created in 1040. That's almost 1,000 years of drinky goodness. It's German. It's authentic. It's amazing!
We tried this at an expo, then spent 3 months trying to find it. It's a hard beast to track down, but the case couldn't come soon enough. It's the most mysterious beer you'll ever have.
It's light, crips, floral...aromatic...and seems to have different time zones.
At first smell it seems strong like a stout. It hits the mouth like a porter, then when it fizzes it warps to fruity and ends smooth like a white.
One of the creators of K&L likened it to the beer in BEERFEST. "I want to stick my dick in it..."
"I want it to stick its dick in me!"
You get the picture. It deserves the top spot on reputation and authenticity alone. It earned the top spot by being what all beers try to be...an experience that enhances your life.
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